What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 02.07.2025 11:04
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Who then, do I blame.?
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
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And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I couldn’t, believe it.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
What is the thing that the olden generation enjoys more than the modern generation?
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Does being poor build better character than being born rich?
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I don,t even have a pension.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
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I was scared of men, in general
I was 9 years of age.
Im still living with it.
She was in good health!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Ive learnt so much.
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We all went to grammer schools
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
She loved him until the end.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
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I said to her
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
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I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
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He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Why did i forgive my father ?
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She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
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He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
It was going to be , some day.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He knew the spot.
I was very sick at this time too.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
All the time i was locked up.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
She wouldn,t have been !
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
But, we were locked up after school.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
(And it was in our own minds.)
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I have no regrets .
I write beautiful poetry .
One cannot live in the past .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I never cut or harmed myself..
She married twice! .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
This is soul school!.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
So whats the point in blame.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I was seconnd youngest,
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I know ,a lot about trauma.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
We were not on the streets..
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I will be 64.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
And i lived it daily.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
My family never makes their pension either.
When she asked me how she looked .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I waited trembling.
So, i spoilt her more .
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I think the readers, may guess!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
What did i know ?
He resisted the act ,that day.
Would this be the day?
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Put me off passion for life!!
My life is so biszare .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
But it wasn’t much.
As i do to all so called friends.?
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Comes on , in middle age.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
She found it foreign!.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I had hoped to write a book about this .